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Many people believe that the Bible is not relevant in today's world. But so much of scripture is exactly that: relevant. There is a portion of scripture that reads thus: "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he..." Pr.23:7, KJV. You have heard the saying "You are what you eat". This scripture portion seems to be saying "You are what you THINK!" If there is any truth to that, and there is, then examining our thinking, and how it impacts our emotions and behaviors is as essential as examining our diet, what we are putting into our bodies, and how that impacts our physical health.
A clinician by the name of Albert Ellis has developed a form of therapy he calls Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. The basic principles are relatively simple to learn, but oh so profound. The interesting thing is that his theories are completely in harmony with that little portion of scripture written thousands of years ago. There truly is "nothing new under the sun"! Basically, he teaches that it's not just the thing that happens (the Activating event, or A) that causes us to feel and behave the way we do (the emotional and behavioral Consequences, or C), but what we TELL ourselves about that thing or event (our Beliefs, or B) that causes us to feel and behave the way we do. In other words, what we THINK has a whole lot to do with how we FEEL and ACT.
Here is an example to hopefully make it plain: Two women, each having been involved with "the partner of her dreams" for three years, experience the breakup of their respective relationships. One woman goes into a deep depression that lasts for months, and ends up losing her job because she wont get out of bed, and eventually becomes an alcoholic. The other woman spends a few days crying, a few weeks feeling sad, and in a few months, she is again accepting dates. Her life eventually goes on. What is the difference here? Each woman was involved with who she imagined was her dream partner for about the same amount of time. Each woman lost her partner, and each naturally experienced grief over that loss. But one woman's life falls apart, the other, after some emotional distress, eventually moves on.
If you have picked up on the message here so far, then you may already realize that what is different is what they each BELIEVED, or TOLD themselves, about their breakup. The first woman may have told herself things like this: "I've lost the ONLY person for me. If that person doesn't love me, then NOBODY can love me. That person is gone. I will NEVER find another partner again. Since I'm not lovable and I will never find anyone ever again, then my life is WORTHLESS. I am worthless. Why even bother to live. And it hurts. In fact it hurts so much I cant STAND it. And I cant stand it so much that I may as well be numb. So I'll just drink myself into oblivion because after all, I'm worthless anyway, and nobody will ever love me again." Its easy to see how thinking all these extreme thoughts can lead one into major depression, inability to function in life, and eventually, alcoholism, in this case. And that had nothing to do with the breakup with the partner, as much as this woman may want to try to convince herself, others, and her former partner, otherwise. It was completely related to her own thinking.
On the other hand, the second woman may have told herself things like this: "I am really sad that I lost this partner. I may not find anyone completely like that one again, but someday, when I'm ready, I'll get back on the horse and look for someone else. Next time I will know more about what I like and dislike. I know we didn't make it, but I'm still a good person, and someone will be lucky to have me someday. I've learned a lot through that relationship. Even though this really hurts, I know it will get easier as time passes, and I can live through it, even though its hard right now." As with the first woman, it becomes easy to see how this woman would feel sad, cry it out for a while, maybe give herself some time to heal, and then get herself back out on the dating scene when she was ready. Again, that has nothing to do with the fact that she had a breakup of a very important relationship. It has everything to do with the story she told herself in her own mind, about that breakup, about herself, and about her ability to cope with it.
Many times, we cause ourselves to feel and act in self-destructive, and self-defeating ways because we think is terms of extremes: Never. Nobody. Completely. Unbearable. Cannot. Must. Its horrible if even one person doesn't like me. I'm worthless if I ever do anything wrong, ever, no matter how small. If I don't look like a model, no one will ever be attracted to me. I cant be happy unless I get everything I want, always. Everything is black or white, and there seems to be no room for a middle ground. Well most things in life simply cant be separated into all good, all bad, all black, all white. And when we think in these extreme terms, we run the risk of moving ourselves toward mental illness, and toward irrational, unhealthy, self-destructive, or self-defeating behaviors.
Apples of Gold encourages you to begin to pay attention to those random, and not so random, thoughts going through your mind about everything you experience. Some of those thoughts are so habitual, and you've been thinking them for so long, that you don't even realize you are thinking them. We call those "automatic thoughts". Sometimes they are messages we picked up from our parents, or the kids we went to school with. ("You never do anything right". "Aw! You're my BABY! You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!" "You're too good for them". "Hey, you're a fatty!" "Everything is YOUR fault"! "You must be some kind of weirdo. Nobody wants to hang out with you"!) Other times they are messages we create on our own. The important thing is to begin to identify those thoughts, and then test them to see whether they are true, whether they represent irrational extremes, and whether we have any real evidence to support the conclusions our thoughts often represent. If we find that things we are thinking are not rational, healthy, and true TODAY, even if they may have had some truth to them years ago, then we need to CHALLENGE our thoughts, and CHANGE them to something more moderate, rational, and healthy. Then we will find that the feelings and behaviors that spring from them will also be more moderate, rational, and healthy!
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